How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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