the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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