a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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