every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I FOUND THE LEGS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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