i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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