Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize