At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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