theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
