dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
