he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
