If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
