Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
