dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
