Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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