so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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