My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i would punch a child for taco bell
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
