Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
