KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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