I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
