watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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