I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
