Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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