So drunk its hurt
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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