porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize