i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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