i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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