well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
