Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
