So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
