Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
