so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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