Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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