just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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