my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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