Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Randomize
