Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
