my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize