Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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