i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
