I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
