Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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