I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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