: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
