Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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