Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pooping to opera.
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