I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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