i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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