Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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