I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
