So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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