I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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