theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you inspire me to be a worse person
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
