I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
