what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize