I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
