Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have fence marks all over my body
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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