i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
