Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
