My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
