What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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