Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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