Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
