im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
