the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
